Category: Well I thought it was funny!
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Ian Can’t Othais
CHICAGO — Chicago native Matthew Hayes reportedly defied all odds this week by not being shot.
Experts had expected Hayes to be shot no less than six times while going out for pizza, but he surprised everyone by coming away unscathed.
“Wow, I guess I’m totally fine,” said Hayes. “What a surprise.”
In 2025 alone, there have been over 600 shootings resulting in approximately 188 deaths. In light of these statistics, experts are convinced that Hayes must be some sort of superhero impervious to bullets like Superman. “Hayes is a statistical anomaly,” said Dr. Gerald Rammings, a statistician for the University of Chicago. “No one can survive Chicago.”
Hayes has previously said that a hot pie from Lou Malnati’s Pizzeria was worth dying for, but now that he’s alive, the pizza doesn’t seem to mean as much. “It was just too easy,” he said. “I feel like I cheated death.”
At publishing time, Matthew Hayes had been rushed to the hospital after being shot while going out for dessert.
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The power of Ammo
A hint for the youngsters out there
When he stumbles upon a guy sitting by a fire, his rifle leaning against a tree, roasting a bald eagle. The ranger immediately arrests the guy and drags him to his cruiser. Eventually the case goes to court, the judge is outraged and asks if he has anything to say for himself before going to jail.
The guy explains that he was lost in the woods for several days, could not find anything to eat, when he was almost starved to death he saw the eagle perched in a tree close by, it was purely a matter of survival. He gathered whatever strength he had left, shot the bird and was eating it when the ranger showed up and arrested him.
The judge was understanding, opted for leniency and let him go free. As he’s exiting the court the judge calls him and asks: “Out of curiosity, how does it taste?” And the guy responds: “It’s a very interesting flavor, I’d say something between a panda bear and an Andean condor…
