 |
| Another lifetime transportation device for some freeloader |
|
| WASHINGTON — Military veterans make up only 6.4% of the United States population, according to Census Bureau data, but these freeloaders cost the American taxpayer billions, a fact that brings Republicans and Democrats together. |
| It is no coincidence that the national debt ceiling has become a contentious issue for usually rational and cooperative legislators. But one silver lining in the fight is the unifying effect that paying for veterans has when they’re no longer actively fighting wars or offering useful photo opportunities. Legislators, budget analysts, and journalists agree, America’s veterans, especially disabled ones, are “a gigantic pain in the ass.” |
| “When you think about it, the VA budget is about $119 billion but we only have about 19 million veterans,” stated Washington Post journalist Aimes Poorly. “So, that amounts to what? Like, ten billion dollars per veteran?” |
| “I don’t know about you,” Poorly continued. “But I don’t want my tax dollars to make billionaires out of cripples and shell-shocked kids who can’t contribute to society. They need to pull themselves up by their combat bootstraps. Do you think my parents paid for four years of finding my truth at Wellesley or my Eurosummer with a bunch of government handouts? No! My dad is a simple plastic surgeon. He had to perform a lot of extra elective surgeries to pay for all that. These crybaby vets could have chosen Spain over Nangarhar or Ramadi if they had a little vision. Dude, the raves in Ibiza are nuts.” |
 |
| No two ways about it: America’s veterans are thieves |
|
| Recently, the Washington Post brilliantly used an opinion article to explore this very topic — highlighting the unfortunate fact that advanced medical research and care means more service members survive severe and life-threatening injuries than in previous generations. This huge downside of science has led to a surplus of greedy veterans for the American people to support with benefits like healthcare, free or reduced college costs, life insurance, and career training. It was a thought-provoking exercise in brilliance that really made people think. |
| Willow Sparks, an unemployed crystals expert, weighed in. |
| “So, like, here I am $80,000 in debt to student loans, with a Ph.D. in cosmic philosophy, and I find it pretty insulting that all you have to do is serve in the Army, get injured and bam — free healthcare and free college,” Sparks said. “Like, what gives?” |
| Though she never served in the military, Sparks considers identifying as a wounded veteran as a means of securing the money to pay back student loans. Alternatively, she may move to “this micro-swap commune in the Yucatan and just default.” |
 |
| ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! |
|
| Congressional Representatives share concerns about biased treatment in favor of veterans. In late April, a bill introduced would have cut the VA budget by 22%. Florida representative and off-hours Joker impersonator, Representative Matt Gaetz, believes it was a step in the right direction. |
| “Plain and simple, the Veterans’ Administration is a drain on the economy. I mean, there’s the medical care for people that had nothing more productive to do than go to Afghanistan and get cancer from standing around burn pits while I was chasing hotties and partying balls during college and law school. But that’s before you even get into non-medical services like the GI Bill, home loans, job and skills training, and legal services for veterans. I sure would like some of that sweet government cash. It’s not like I don’t have my own bills to pay.” |
| Gaetz then laughed maniacally and disappeared into a puff of smoke. |
| Reached between a “speaking and sensing session” at a Brooklyn-based indigenous weaving cooperative, traditional Gaetz opponent Representative Anastasia Ocasio-Cortez joined him, “The VA is just an extension of a military that exists solely to turn otherwise future workers in support of state production into killer automatons who generally vote Republican. I can’t support that any more than I support recruiting them in the first place. It’s an issue of consistency.” |
 |
| These people are smarter than you. Don’t ask questions. |
|
| While experts seem unified in support of slashing funds to the VA, no one could say exactly how this would improve the economy in the long or short term. Yet, many remain optimistic that if the VA budget is reduced, those pesky veterans will die off faster. |
| Despite expert opinion to the contrary, one group of Americans seemed opposed to slashing veterans’ funding and, if history is a guide, their opinion will be what wins the day. |
| Art Popp, a spokesman for The American Military Industrial Complex explained, “Look, the creation of veterans is just good business. Someone has to fire the Tomahawk. Drones don’t exactly fly themselves. Well, they sorta do. Anyway…whatever, ships and planes need someone to move them. Then there’s the infantry. Those guys wandering around finding IEDs are great for the prosthetics guys. And let’s be honest, most of these mouthbreathers can’t do anything else. Crippled vets are just the price of doing business and providing value to the patriotic American shareholder.” |
|
|
| Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass. |
|
