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By W.E. Linde
MOSCOW — In a surprise announcement today, Russia confirmed that the Ukrainian military had taken out a significant number of its generals in battle and promised that if Ukraine kills one more, the next high-ranking officer will be eliminated “entirely free.”
The announcement was made by Adm. Igor Olegovich Kostyukov, head of the Russian General Staff’s Main Intelligence Department (GRU). In a sternly-worded statement aimed primarily at Russian forces that have largely stalled in their invasion of Ukraine, Kostyukov said that what they needed in the face of fierce resistance was a little “aggressive encouragement.”
“To that end,” said Kostyukov, “we promise that if Ukraine successfully kills 12 generals, we’ll give them one more, on the house.”
News of the so-called “Frequent General Kill Klub” sparked a flurry of activity within Russian-held areas of Ukraine, but perhaps not the kind that Moscow had hoped for. A sudden surge of battlefield promotions has been reported, in some cases from Junior Lieutenant to “Acting Maj. Gen.” One patrol was seen digging trenches, with each man wearing the rank of lieutenant general.
“I was just scouring a nearby field looking for wild berries or squirrels for dinner when suddenly a messenger drove up to me,” said Cpl. Anatoly Sokolov, an artillery soldier fighting just north of Crimea. “He said ‘congratulations, Comrade General,’ then gave me a general’s hat. Then he jumped back on his motorcycle and sped off. I noticed he had a large sack of general’s hats on his back. I guess he has a lot of promotions to give out.”
There was some hesitancy reported in participating in the General Kill Klub on the Ukrainian side.
“We sort of feel guilty,” said Oleksiy Reznikov, Ukraine’s Minister of Defense, “like we’re taking advantage of yet another horribly bad Russian decision. But a good deal is a good deal.”
Adm. Kostyukov cautioned that “deals like this won’t last long,” but also gave a preview of Russia’s next motivational promotion, “two dead colonels for every one Ukraine kills.”
“Sooner or later,” said Kostyukov, “we’ll motivate our forces to victory.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.