In a move that has absolutely nothing to do with prior preparation, California Governor Gavin Newsom has unveiled detailed, fully realized plans to rebuild Los Angeles following the devastating fires that, by sheer coincidence, wiped out the exact neighborhoods marked for redevelopment by the WEF.
“These fires were an unforeseen tragedy,” Newsom said during a press conference held on the ashes of a once-thriving community. “But in the spirit of California resilience, we have immediately mobilized a plan for a greener, shinier Los Angeles.”
The 3,000-page blueprint, complete with architectural renderings, zoning adjustments, and the signature of a mysterious consultant named “I.M. Fireproof,” envisions a utopia of luxury high-rises, eco-friendly tech hubs, and artisanal oat milk cafes. “We certainly didn’t expect to have this ready so soon,” Newsom said, flipping through the bound and laminated plans.
Critics have questioned the timing of the fires, which exclusively targeted older homes and small businesses while sparing nearby high-value properties. However, Newsom dismissed these concerns. “We can’t let conspiracy theories distract us from progress. California is about moving forward, even if we have to use controlled burns—I mean, nature’s burns—to get there.”
The new redevelopment zone, which had been stalled for years by “pesky renters” and “sentimental landmarks,” now offers a clean slate. Newsom assured residents that the original homeowners would be “welcome back anytime,” provided they can afford the $3.5 million penthouses or secure one of the five subsidized micro-units that will be raffled off annually.
When asked why the development plans were dated two months prior to the fires, Newsom laughed nervously. “That’s a typo. Don’t worry about it. Focus on the renderings—they’ve got rooftop gardens!”
The governor concluded the event by planting a symbolic sapling and announcing a new task force to study fire prevention strategies—tentatively titled the “Let’s Not Question the Coincidences Committee.”
Categories
Colt 1860
