Category: Well I thought it was funny!
Compared to our rugged forebears who domesticated the continent, invented lots of cool stuff, won scads of wars and quite literally freed an enslaved world, we seem an awfully fragile lot these days.
Americans are not quite so durable as was once the case. As such, I thought it might be a fun exercise to see if I could offend every single person in the country in a single weekly column. All I’m really doing is packaging facts — here goes.
Men are Stupid
Testosterone is the primary sex hormone in males; an anabolic steroid from the androstane class. Testosterone begins life as cholesterol before being synthesized into its active form in the liver. This complex chemical combination of Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen is arguably the most powerful force for chaos the universe has ever seen. Plutonium is mere baby formula compared to a proper surge of testosterone in a 13-year-old male.
As a physician, I have seen guys shot, set on fire, blown up and dismembered as a direct result of the deleterious effect of this mysterious toxin. In concert with alcohol, the synergy can be simply epic. By contrast, I have not once attended a woman professionally after she poured gasoline over a barbecue grill because she was, “Getting really hungry.”
By the numbers, 93.3% of the incarcerated population in America is male. Let the significance of that number sink in for a minute. Guys run the world and look at the shape it is in. Men are clearly idiots.
Women are Crazy
Ask any radical feminist to define a hysterectomy and they will rightly say it is the procedure wherein the female reproductive organs are surgically removed. However, I dare say very few radical feminists have dissected the etymological origins of the term. Hysterectomy is derived from the Latin hystericus meaning, “of the womb.”
Back in the day, hystericus was viewed as a neurotic condition unique to women involving emotional outbursts, unpredictability and outright madness. Medical practitioners in centuries past believed this condition somehow originated in the uterus. As a result, the term hysterectomy literally translates, “the surgical excision of the crazy from the woman.”
“Lunacy” is also an oblique antiquated reference to the woman’s monthly menstrual cycle.
It seems at some point in the distant past, the entire planet was tropical.
(Source: Mandy Choi, Unsplash)
Youth are Ignorant
Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg first embarked on a career in climate activism at the age of 15. Hers has since become a household name around the globe, thrice nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize — something for which I have yet to be considered a single time. She carries a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome and refers to it as her “Superpower.” I think that’s legitimately awesome.
Greta inspired “Fridays for Future,” also known as the “School Strike for Climate.” This is an international movement wherein students skip Friday classes to participate in demonstrations demanding action on climate change. On March 15, 2019, one of these events attracted more than a million strikers worldwide.
When I was Greta’s age, I would have marched in support of invading space aliens if it got me out of school and into a crowd with girls. The argument could be made if you can’t be trusted with a handgun, you also shouldn’t be able to vote. Let Greta pay taxes for a few decades and then we’ll talk.
Climates Change
In February 2017, scientists retrieved a core sample drilled from the ocean floor in the Amundsen Sea off the coast of Western Antarctica. This sample, recovered a mere 560 miles from the South Pole, was fraught with fossilized plant spores, pollen and a mass of preserved fossilized plant roots. There have been ample fern and palm fossils discovered on all seven continents, as well as the North Pole. At some point in the past, long before men mucked with anything, the entire planet was actually tropical.
I don’t doubt the climate is changing, I’m just not convinced anything we do at this point is going to substantively change that fact. The upside is global warming should open up vast areas in places like Canada, Alaska and Russia to both habitation and agriculture.
When life gives you lemons, why not just grow some more lemons?
There are literally countless other examples of woke low-hanging fruit ripe for ridicule. For now, just send all your hate mail and parcel bombs to me in care of FMG Publications. We’ll be expecting them.
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Me neither!
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| KYIV, Ukraine — Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr., the 46th president of the United States, announced he was deserting the oval office “so I can fight for the glory of Ukraine.” The announcement came on live TV during a surprise meeting with President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “It’s the only way I can really get at Putin,” the now-former President said, “The press always asks me, don’t I wish I was debating him? No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” | ||
| Biden, who recently passed his annual White House physical, said “I’m a spry guy, I’ve tussled with the likes of Corn Pop, I can do this.” He posed for pictures in a boxing stance to prove his point. | ||
| The former president told reporters “I am in Kyiv today to meet with President Zelenskyy and reaffirm our unwavering and unflagging commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, sovereignty, and territorial integrity.” Biden then turned to Zelenskyy and raised his right hand to receive the Ukrainian oath of enlistment. Out of respect for his previous legislative and executive branch experience, Biden was direct commissioned to first lieutenant though one Ukrainian officer was later heard to say he thought lance corporal was more appropriate given Biden’s documented love of American muscle cars. | ||
| Biden’s decision to desert parallels that of Daniel W. Swift, a Navy SEAL who deserted in 2019 and died fighting for Ukraine. Both men chucked a promising security career: one, a special warfare operator 1st class, the other a commander in chief. | ||
| Ukraine’s president recited the oath in his native tongue while the former U.S. president nodded as if he understood. Biden then saluted Zelenskyy, grinned widely with a mouthful of preternaturally white teeth, and gave reporters the double-guns hand signal, saying “I’m a soldier now, that’s so cool.” | ||
| Zelenskyy then presented Ukraine’s newest enlistee with a Kel-Tec SUB-2000 carbine. “This was sent to us from your country,” Biden’s commander-in-chief explained. “It is very lightweight, so you should be able to handle it.” | ||
| Biden took the weapon and immediately swept the room with its muzzle, saying, “Corn Pop better watch out now.” Everyone in the room dove for cover except Zelenskyy, who rolled his eyes and asked, “Do you think I would chamber a round before giving it to him?”. | ||
| Under questioning by reporters, Biden said he hoped his desertion would “rally the world to support the people of Ukraine and the core values of human rights and dignity in the UN Charter that unite us worldwide.” | ||
| Biden also revealed he had arrived in Ukraine with a “delivery of critical equipment, including artillery ammunition, anti-armor systems, and air surveillance radars to help protect the Ukrainian people from aerial bombardments.” The former U.S. commander-in-chief did not explain how he got through customs with the equipment he alleged to have brought with him. | ||
| Back at the White House, Communications Director Kate Bedingfield called Biden’s surprise move “a bold and strong move, demonstrating resolve and commitment on … Biden’s part in the face of the extreme difficulty of [deserting] as President of the United States.” | ||
| The trip “was logistically complicated and difficult,” Bedingfield told reporters. “It sends an incredibly powerful message that … Biden has faith in the Ukrainian people and is unwavering in his commitment to stand by them.” | ||
| National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan lauded Biden’s desertion to reporters in a conference call, labeling it “unprecedented in modern times… What he wanted to do in Kyiv was to send a clear, unmistakable message of enduring American support for Ukraine; a clear, unmistakable message of the unity of the West and (inaudible) international community in standing behind Ukraine and standing up to Russian aggression; and also to be able to stand there next to President Zelenskyy in a free Kyiv to not just tell but to show the world, through a powerful demonstration, that Ukraine is successfully resisting Russian aggression.” | ||
| Biden is the first U.S. president to desert office since 37th President Richard Nixon left 38th President Gerald Ford a “Dear John letter” in 1974. In the letter, Nixon revealed that he hijacked Air Force One to Vietnam to be with the country he regarded as his true soul mate. | ||
| It was not clear at press time if Biden’s desertion would impact any federal pensions he earned from 1973 to 2017 as a U.S. senator and vice president. | ||
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| Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law. |
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Ditto!
