Category: Well I thought it was funny!
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QUANTICO, Va. — U.S. intelligence analysts examining the wreckage of the Chinese surveillance balloon shot down earlier this year by an Air Force F-22 made an early and surprising discovery: the balloon was stitched together largely with classified documents.
“It’s got a little bit of everything in here,” said Master Chief Petty Officer Brian O’Leary, who helped pull the balloon’s skin from the waters off South Carolina. “Pol-mil assessments, threats of the day, internal training slides. Geez, that’s a lot of classified.”
The surveillance balloon was over 200 feet tall, roughly the size of a MAJCOM Class Six. To construct it required thousands of pages of classified documents, or roughly one Mar-A-Lago.
“What is this?” asked Navy Lt. Patricia Harlow, pulling up several sheets of laminated paper from the wreckage. “It looks like a daily intel briefing from…2016? I swear our intel guy briefed the exact same intel last week.”
Despite the surprise makeup of the balloon, some national security observers have said the use of easily acquired American classified documents meant this sort of thing was only a matter of time.
“Supply chains kinks have caused the price of traditional materials to skyrocket for everything except the seemingly endless supply of US top secret documents,” said Special Agent George Peppard, who is coordinating the exploitation of the balloon. “While not as elastic or stretchy as latex and neoprene, U.S. classified documents are far more common and readily available.”
“Well, I guess you can stretch some of it pretty far,” he added, after noticing a page from an Iraq WMD assessment on top of one pile.
Despite insisting that the country’s classified material remains secure, the Biden administration has vowed to lead efforts toward an international U.S. classified documents non-proliferation treaty.
“We’re hearing reports that U.S. classified materials are being smuggled into Russia for use as fuel to keep homes warm during the winter,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “And while that proves the effectiveness of Western sanctions against Russia are working, we obviously don’t want Russia to know whether Syria’s political stability is forecasted to be Red, Yellow, or Green. That’s something that belongs in a SCIF or at least the President’s garage.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Post.news @welinde
Military service is not all glamor and shaving cream ads. I’m kidding.
An incontinent toddler in a loincloth is cleaner than a grunt after a couple of weeks of living in the woods. (Photo: U.S. Army by SGT Michael West)
In military parlance, an Observer/Controller is like an umpire during war games. Harvested from other tactical units for a period of temporary duty, O/Cs are simply soldiers of comparable rank and experience who serve to interface the evaluated unit with the evaluating facility.
I have served as an O/C many times and have always strived to be helpful and supportive. I tried to be ever mindful that I was no smarter than those being evaluated and made it my mission to facilitate the success of the evaluated unit. In keeping with the Biblical adage, “Do unto others,” it just seemed the reasonable course. Unfortunately, not everyone enjoyed my sense of altruism.
Some people are quite simply jerks. It is hard to discern the unfathomable nature versus nurture question when it comes to abrasive personalities. Perhaps some people are genetically predestined to be obnoxious. Maybe others start out amicable before being dropped on their heads as children.
One O/C, in particular, seemed to believe himself supernaturally awesome. He was just another captain like me who served as the operations officer for his unit on the other side of the world. His regular job, training, and experience mirrored my own, with the exception that he was privy to the god net for the duration of this exercise.
The god net was a system of secure radios that connected all the O/Cs with the exercise evaluators. The radio itself was a small Motorola that affixed to an O/Cs tactical vest with a handheld microphone on a curly cord. Transmissions were effected by placing one’s lips against the microphone and whispering so as to avoid passing any information of value on to bystanders.
Via the god net, the O/Cs always had foreknowledge of pending attacks, logistics shortfalls, and the general mayhem that the OPFOR (Opposing Forces) sadistically visited upon evaluated tactical units. An O/C was never surprised and always stayed a step or two ahead of those in the hot seat.
Being a soldier is all about camaraderie, mutual trust, and fellowship, and then there was this O/C guy… (Photo: U.S. Army)
A wise and compassionate O/C tried to stay out of the way and be helpful whenever possible. By contrast, ours interrupted during an attack to offer helpful quotes from doctrinal manuals and point out the way they did it back where he came from. He also went to the rear areas for a shower and a bed with sheets every night. After three weeks of filth and misery, everybody hated this guy.
Tim was a towering blonde, Nordic-looking fellow from Minnesota. When we were deployed, he would shovel snow for the wives of other guys in my unit to keep the post snow-shoveling Nazis from leaving them nastygrams. Tim was a genuinely great guy. Three weeks in the field without a shower, however, and he smelled ripe unto spoilage.
One reaches a certain stasis after a couple of weeks of chronic filth. There is so much dirt on your body that old dirt has to fall off to make room for new dirt. A soldier can remain in this condition essentially indefinitely. So long as his mates are in a similar state, all are blissfully unaware of their wretched nature. Introduce someone else who is freshly clean, however, and the contrast can be surprisingly stark.
When I think back to my time in the combat arms, I remember
being tired a lot. (Photo: U.S. Army by SPC Tracy McKithern)
Our O/C had just made his morning appearance, pink and refreshed after a blissful repose in the palatial opulence of the post bachelor’s officer quarters. Stripping off his tactical vest/radio and arranging it in a folding chair inside our command post, he announced to anyone who cared that he was retiring momentarily to the porta-john. He had apparently missed his opportunity to use the porcelain and running water back at the Q’s.
As soon as he left the tent, we all rolled our collective eyes in disgust and returned to our tasks. Tim, however, strolled over to our O/C’s gear and unzipped his flight suit. Taking the microphone from the O/C’s god radio, Tim thrust it deep into his underwear, rubbing it vigorously around his chronically unwashed filthy crotch before carefully replacing it on the chair.
The laughter had diminished somewhat when the O/C returned from his sabbatical and donned his gear. For the rest of the exercise, every time our weasel of an O/C snickered into his radio about how we were not doing things the way they did back where he came from, all I could think of was how that radio microphone had been so intimate with Tim’s nasty crotch. The message indeed enjoys universal applications. One should ever strive to be nice to people because you can’t always keep an eye on your radio.
As a young copper, I always felt sorry for my female colleagues, and not for the reasons you’re thinking. As rookies, we quickly learned the necessity of developing iron bladders, as we were always assigned the crappy details lasting for hours, such as directing traffic, maintaining crime scene lines and other lengthy details without proper facilities nearby. One of the best words of advice I ever received from my field training officer was “at the first inkling of having to go, do it if you can.”
Jeepers Keepers
The reason I commiserated so much with the female officers when it came to using the restroom had to do with belt keepers. Keepers are leather straps with two brass snaps used for securing your duty belt to your pants belt, keeping your duty belt from shifting while drawing your gun.
When finally getting the chance for relief the females had to remove at a minimum, four belt keepers, then their Sam Brown duty belt. Then undue their garrison belt, drop their britches, and finally get to the matter at hand, all while dancing a jig, depending on severity. As you can see, men have it a lot easier. We simply unzip, retrieve, expel, return, zip and we’re done. Mission accomplished! That’s not to say men don’t have their own problems.
Excuses, Excuses…
As the old joke goes, how can a man capable of hitting a running deer at 200 yards miss the toilet at less than three feet? The ensuing miss (mess) ends up anywhere (everywhere) due to a lot of extenuating circumstances. And not just for cops either. Here’s a few excuses, or explanations, on why men can miss a relatively easy shot. Curiously, many of these techniques mimic shooting habits at the range. So, there is relevance at hand here. Pay attention!
Spray & Pray
This technique is a definite no-no! While front sight, press is our mantra on the range, we have no front sight to speak of during relief time. Regardless, we have years of instinctive shooting going in our favor. Like throwing a ball, throwing your stream is purely instinctive. After engaging your target, adjust your aim and continue firing.
Your first shots usually go high, as high as the lifted lid, depending on load pressure. When you get near the end of your ammo supply, remember there’s usually a drop in velocity. Don’t be surprised when you transition from the veracity of a full-auto shooter to the drip, drip, drip of a single-action plinker. Adjust your aim as needed.
Pressure Problems?
The ensuing miss is usually attributed to pressure problems. Depending on the severity of the emergency, we never know what the velocity will be. Like cartridges, the higher the velocity, the further the range. This variable definitely affects aim. Severe high-pressure loads have a tendency to shoot high, while lower velocity loads go low. Adjustment is necessary, once POI (point of impact) is determined so a steady flow of bullseyes ensues. Remember, we’re shooting instinctively here, like a hipshot, so please ladies, give us a break.
Double Vision?
Believe it or not, sometimes there’s a double stream initially, until the muzzle corrects itself, transitioning back to a single field of fire. Controlling two fields of fire is much more difficult. Some are capable of pulling it off, but it is difficult indeed.
Polar Expression
Funny things happen to men in the cold. Things tend shrink. It’s an act of self-preservation of the species. Subconsciously, things are pulled closer to the body, keeping everything viable and warm. Herein lies the problem. There’s nothing worse being outdoors, usually while duck/goose hunting in the bitter cold and having 5 inches of layered clothing on with only now 3 inches of release valve.
It’s search and rescue in the worst way. Peeling back layer upon layer is a dire necessary. Forget about wearing gloves. They’re more hindrance than help. Although temporary, it’s a problem. Everyone knows it’s harder shooting with a snubby, especially when shooting around a lot of cover.
Reconsiderations?
Now I have a differing opinion on the matter of feeling sorry for the trials and tribulations women must go through while in police uniform. While I still feel sorry for them, I think they may indeed hold the eventual upper hand. Sitting is like shooting at the 3- yard line. Try doing it standing up, and women will have just as much, if not more problems as men.
Bigger Targets?
Lifting the lid provides a larger target. If you do make a rim shot, simply dropping the lid covers any peripheral hits. I’d usually avoid all these problems by simply pulling off in the high country somewhere and water the pines as they say. We had a fueling depot perfect for this method and by the bare spots behind the pines it was evident I wasn’t the only one to do so.
Beware of wind direction when using this method. It’s always better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Happy New Year! 2023 looks to be an interesting year indeed!