Category: Well I thought it was funny!

THE DE-EVOLUTION OF THE FLUSH TOILET A HARBINGER OF THE DEMISE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION WRITTEN BY WILL DABBS, MD

Post author By Grumpy
Post date December 11, 2022
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Behold my nemesis. This thing hates me, and I hate it right back. It breaks catastrophically about every other year or so.

I have a nemesis. Webster’s Dictionary defines nemesis thusly, “The inescapable agent of someone’s or something’s downfall.” I think that about sums it up. My nemesis is a toilet.

Back nearly 20 years ago when my wife and I were building our first and last house together, I had a series of modest requests for our general contractor. I was tragically born without any sense of style or taste, but I do have a knack for utility. I’m an engineer by training, so I expect stuff to work. I don’t much care what it looks like.

When it came time to scheme out the bathrooms I didn’t have an opinion about the drawer pulls or whether or not the paint matched. As an aside, matching colors for anything is simply the diabolical manifestation of some massive worldwide female cabal. I’m colorblind, so I apparently don’t appreciate color like a normal person. At least that’s what my wife claims. Whether it is drapes, socks, slacks, or housepaint, those matching rules that women are always touting aren’t written down anyplace. I don’t think they even exist. If I want to paint a room asparagus green alongside vibrant coral I don’t see how that somehow offends the fabric of the universe. Not that I’m bitter…

Anyway, I had but one stipulation for the bathrooms. I didn’t care what the toilets looked like, how efficient they were or how much they cost. I just wanted them to be able to reliably flush a freaking bowling ball. I have sons, and I never wanted to touch another toilet bowl plunger.

My buddy who built the house came through like a champ. There had been some recent federal guidelines on toilet design (apparently because we all desperately needed our toilets regulated by the federal government). The new toilets use about a thimble’s worth of water per flush and won’t dispose of anything more robust than a mature raisin. He found us some retro toilets someplace made before the Real Man Toilet Ban. I have a mental image of some seedy-looking guy dressed like a 1970s-era pimp discreetly selling illicit toilets out of the back of a derelict van, but maybe it wasn’t quite that bad. Regardless, these were some seriously epic toilets.

Thomas Crapper, toilet maker to the stars. It was he who first
brought the flush toilet into the mainstream.

The father of the modern flush toilet was an Englishman named, and I’m not making this up, Thomas Crapper. Mr. Crapper was born in 1836 and died in 1910 of, appropriately enough, colon cancer. He didn’t technically invent the toilet, but he did perfect the floating ballcock. The floating ballcock was universally acclaimed as the creepiest mechanical name in the world until it was displaced in 1967 by the Wankel Rotary Engine. In the 1880s, Crapper was granted a Royal Warrant to provide sanitary facilities for the British royal family. This gave him the dubious distinction of being responsible for the king’s excrement.

Our new black market toilets did not use Mr. Crapper’s floating ballcock. The mechanism inside these things looked like some kind of space shuttle part. It had ball bearings, sliding sleeves, and springs aplenty. It also worked like a champ … for about two years. Then, one by one, each of the epic manly toilets in our house began to die.

This is the Flushmaster. What a piece of crap.

I’m a pretty handy guy, so I replaced the entrails in each of these toilets with replacements from Home Depot. The most popular is called, no kidding, the Flushmaster. I’m presuming this was because something more accurate like Crap Blaster might unduly offend the less durable members of society. Ever since then these stupid things have died every couple of years like clockwork. I think the one I just replaced was the fifth iteration thus far, and we’ve been in the house about seventeen years.

Back in my day, the inside of a toilet consisted of little more than a big bulbous copper float and a simple but ridiculously over-designed mechanical valve. Nothing was made of plastic, and they never failed. You were expected to pass those toilets on to your great grandchildren. Nowadays, the mechanical bits are formed from something that looks like Happy Meal toys and all but come from the factory broken.

Just like tactical shooting, with practice comes both speed and accuracy. I replaced this latest fill valve in six minutes without tools. My first order of business was to throw away the instructions unopened, as I am able to quote them from memory by now. By the time you read these words this set of toilet guts will likely be well on its way to dying as well. If ever you needed evidence that the world is going down the toilet, there you have it.

I like the way this guy thinks!

Post author By Grumpy
Post date December 10, 2022
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This great Nation & Its People Well I thought it was funny!

US Military clichés by BRUCE STERLING

Post author By Grumpy
Post date December 10, 2022
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*THERE MUST BE similar lists in other militaries.

21 of the US military’s most-overused clichés
“There are certain phrases military service members hear on the regular, and by regular, we mean they are over-used like crazy.

“While every workplace has its own cliche buzzwords – we’re talking about you there, “corporate synergy” – the military has plenty to choose from. The WATM team put its collective heads together and came up with this list of the cliche phrases we’ve heard way too many times in the military.

“1. “All this and a paycheck too!”
Usually uttered by a staff NCO at the moment of a 20-mile hike where you wish you could just pass out on the side of the road.

“2. “If you’re on time, you’re late.”
Military members are well aware of the unwritten rule of arriving 15 minutes prior to the time they are supposed to be somewhere. Of course, if there’s a senior officer involved, that might even mean 15 minutes prior to 15 minutes prior.

“3. “We get more done before 6 a.m. than most people do all day.”
The time can always be changed, but the phrase remains the same. Military members across the world are usually waking up way earlier than most, and as the saying goes, it probably means they have done personal hygiene, conducted an insane workout, ate breakfast, and started training before average Joe hit the snooze button on the alarm clock.

“4. “Don’t call me sir. I work for a living.”
Among the enlisted ranks, it’s a common cliche that officers don’t do any real work. “There’s a reason why they have office in their name” is a popular saying. So when an enlisted service-member is incorrectly addressed as “sir,” this is one of the most popular responses.

“5. “If it ain’t raining, we ain’t training.”
No matter what the weather, the U.S. military is guaranteed to be training or conducting some sort of exercise. But this cliche phrase is guaranteed to come out when a torrential downpour hits your unit.

“6. “This ain’t my first rodeo there, cowboy.”
Let’s not ask the sergeant any stupid questions. He knows what he’s doing, because he’s done this a million times before. Cowboy.

“7. “Best job in the world!”
Calling your particular field in the military “the best job in the world” usually happens during the times when you would never think it’s the best time in the world. These times include freezing cold on patrol in Afghanistan, running out of water while training in Thailand, and/or not showering for a month-and-a-half.

“8. “Complacency kills.”
You’ll find this phrase spray-painted to every other Hesco barrier on the forward operating base, on a sign outside the chow hall, and on the lips of every sergeant major in a half-mile radius. Troops need to stay alert while they are out in combat, and this one gets drilled into the dirt.

“9. “Keep your head on a swivel.”
This one is similar to “complacency kills” but is often said to troops about to go into dangerous situations. Before heading out on patrol, a squad leader might tell his troops to “keep their head on swivel,” meaning: keep alert and look everywhere for potential threats.

“10. “Got any saved rounds?” or “Any alibis?”
At the end of a briefing, you’ll usually hear either of these phrases. “Any questions?” just doesn’t pack the same punch as using terminology straight off the rifle range.

“11. “Another glorious day in the Corps!”
It could be the Corps, the Army, the Navy, or the Air Force, but it’s always a glorious day there, according to whoever utters this phrase. This is meant to motivate but it’s usually met with eye-rolls.

“12. “This is just for your SA.”
This is another way of saying FYI, but with a military spin. SA, or situational awareness, is all about being aware of what’s happening around you, so this is often said by a subordinate to a leader so they know what’s going on.

“13. “We’re putting on another dog and pony show.”
We’ve never actually been to a real dog and pony show, but we have put on plenty of them in the military. A military “dog and pony show” is usually some sort of ceremony or traditional event for troops to show off their weaponry and other stuff. For example, Marines may put one on by standing around and answering questions about their machine-guns, rocket launchers, and other gear for civilians who are visiting the base for an event.

“14. “Roger that.”
This is a phrase that should be uttered only over the radio (it’s actually just “roger, over” and “roger, out,” respectively), but troops often say this instead of saying “I understand.”

“15. “Bravo Zulu.”
Bravo Zulu is a naval signal that can be conveyed via flag or over the radio, and it means “well done.” But plenty of troops will use this as a way of saying good job or congratulations. (…)