Category: Well I thought it was funny!

Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Public Affairs.

I wasn’t expecting to meet so early this morning, but some poor woman in Europe is complaining she’s been conned out of money by Nigerian Romance Scammers who are impersonating the commanding general again. Looks like yet another public affairs emergency! How these women are dumb enough to fall for Nigerian romance scams, yet smart enough to find the number to the headquarters is beyond me. But that’s why I make the big bucks.

Let’s see what’s on the public affairs schedule this morning. Ah yes, ISOPREP pictures for a deploying infantry brigade. Nothing puts the public in public affairs quite like a few mugshots that stay hidden away on the SIPRNET. Your average infantryman spends the entire weekend taking pictures of his dick, but when it comes time to actually do something useful with a camera, suddenly he’s incompetent.

After that, it’ll be event driven, my dear vodka. Answering phone calls about chemtrails, Jade Helm, and the impending UN invasion. I’ll never understand why the general public thinks the US government is omniscient and omnipotent, especially after seeing the dumb fucks I work with here.

After lunch I have a lot of work planned, but I’ll probably have to scratch it all because Lt. Col. Sinclair can’t seem to keep his dick in his pants or because a some idiots published a regulation saying it’s okay to call African Americans “negroes.”

Christ, there are three million people in our Armed Forces, and every one of them is hell-bent on ruining my day.

Following that, I’ve got to tell the media what a great plan we have in Iraq. Not the general with the brilliant plan. Oh, no, he golfs while I’ve got to put lipstick on the pig that is Operation Inherent Clusterfuck.

At least there are great job opportunities out there for PAOs. Admiral Kirby just got a job at the State Department making less money for answering the same idiotic questions … only with different talking points. I wonder if that was really water in his glass?

I hear Jen Psaki and Marie Harf left a bottle of vodka for him in the drawer. He’ll need it.

The author was last seen complaining about his predicament to his 3,000 Facebook friends.

QUANTICO, Va. — U.S. intelligence analysts examining the wreckage of the Chinese surveillance balloon shot down earlier this year by an Air Force F-22 made an early and surprising discovery: the balloon was stitched together largely with classified documents.

“It’s got a little bit of everything in here,” said Master Chief Petty Officer Brian O’Leary, who helped pull the balloon’s skin from the waters off South Carolina. “Pol-mil assessments, threats of the day, internal training slides. Geez, that’s a lot of classified.”

The surveillance balloon was over 200 feet tall, roughly the size of a MAJCOM Class Six. To construct it required thousands of pages of classified documents, or roughly one Mar-A-Lago.

“What is this?” asked Navy Lt. Patricia Harlow, pulling up several sheets of laminated paper from the wreckage. “It looks like a daily intel briefing from…2016? I swear our intel guy briefed the exact same intel last week.”

Despite the surprise makeup of the balloon, some national security observers have said the use of easily acquired American classified documents meant this sort of thing was only a matter of time.

“Supply chains kinks have caused the price of traditional materials to skyrocket for everything except the seemingly endless supply of US top secret documents,” said Special Agent George Peppard, who is coordinating the exploitation of the balloon. “While not as elastic or stretchy as latex and neoprene, U.S. classified documents are far more common and readily available.”

“Well, I guess you can stretch some of it pretty far,” he added, after noticing a page from an Iraq WMD assessment on top of one pile.

Despite insisting that the country’s classified material remains secure, the Biden administration has vowed to lead efforts toward an international U.S. classified documents non-proliferation treaty.

“We’re hearing reports that U.S. classified materials are being smuggled into Russia for use as fuel to keep homes warm during the winter,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “And while that proves the effectiveness of Western sanctions against Russia are working, we obviously don’t want Russia to know whether Syria’s political stability is forecasted to be Red, Yellow, or Green. That’s something that belongs in a SCIF or at least the President’s garage.”

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Post.news @welinde