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White paper about white papers printed on white paper Seriously. And someone actually thinks you’ll read it.

Staff Officer: “See this? No? Perfect! Learn from it!”

ARLINGTON, Va. — In a stunning display of military efficiency, the Department of Defense has released a white paper about white papers, printed on white paper.

“We felt it was important to clarify the role of white papers in military policy and strategy,” said Air Force Brig. Gen. Dick Ryder, a veteran spokesman for the Department of Defense. “And what better way to do that than with a white paper?”

The white paper, which is printed on several hundred pages of white paper, outlines the history and importance of white papers in the military. “They’re essential for documenting our thoughts and strategies,” Ryder said. “Without them, we’d be lost. I use white papers to better understand how to think about world events, how to better understand technological advances and even the fundamentals of communicating with my wife and children.”

The white papers white paper also includes best practices for writing and distributing white papers, as well as tips for creating visually appealing white paper presentations.

“Best practices range from sharing the white papers on Mil Twitter, printing the mean Tweets responding to said white paper and crying in a bathtub while reading those responses,” said white paper white paper author, Army Maj. Brighton Fatsnacks. “Other options include email, forcing hard copies upon subordinates and stashing them in the magazine racks inside toilet stalls. Staff meetings also receive lengthy treatment within my opus as a means of propagating white papers.”

“We know that some people may find white papers to be dry and boring,” Brig. Gen. Ryder continued. “But we firmly believe white papers can be an effective tool for communicating complex ideas and strategies to other boring bureaucrats with nothing else to do with their days. Or at least justifying the salaries of the field grade action officers who churn them out over weeks and weeks of pointless revisions.”

The white paper has been met with mixed reactions from the military community. Some have praised the document for its thorough and informative approach, while others have criticized it for being too long and unnecessarily complicated.

“I don’t know why we needed a white paper about white papers,” said one disgruntled servicemember. “Couldn’t they just send out an email or something?”

Other critics have been skeptical for other reasons. “I tried to read it, but I couldn’t even see the text,” said one frustrated reader. “It was just a big white blob on a white background. How are we supposed to learn anything from a white paper about white papers, printed on white paper, when it’s also printed in white ink?” The Department of Defense stands by its decision to print the white paper about white papers on white paper with white ink.

“We believe that it’s the best way to keep the information secure,” said Brig. Gen. Ryder. “After all, if you can’t see it, you can’t read it.”

At press time, an Air Force airman was puzzling over how to transcribe a white paper about white papers on white paper with white ink to share on Discord. Other gamers and anime weirdos are already puzzled over why he thinks they will give a shit when no one else does.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.

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